“Smart is not a virtue. (…) Remember that maybe even if someone’s offering some great so-called wisdom take their wisdom and then run. They don’t need to be your friend. (…) Get the knowledge but expect little else. And most importantly: don’t give the best of yourself to them. (…) You can outsmart this smart narcissist by remembering what qualifies as toxic behaviour. And in fact getting what you need to know from them and getting out and take care of you.” Doctor Ramani, video A Big Reason We Don’t Notice Narcissists1
This is my favourite video by Doctor Ramani. I wish I had watched something like that a few decades ago. It is too late for me because I have always approached those I have admired intellectually without thinking twice—all of my life. And although some of them are empathic and kind, this is not the rule in the academic, artistic and intellectual world.
The fact is that I work, socialise and live in Narcland, surrounded by cerebral narcissists and “smart” people like those described in the video. And I used to feel privileged to be able to work with intelligent people and with art, culture, museums, books and intellectuality.
The problem is that now that I know everything I have read about narcissism and psychopathy, I cannot “unsee” what I saw. And I must accept, therefore, that a bitter sadness will always accompany my work, hobbies and passions. Because I know much of everything I admire and wish to be one day was created and perpetuated by narcissists who are malignantly charming, charismatic and brilliant.
In my tropical world, in Brazil, cerebral narcissists are even more dangerous because they fake modesty very well and engage in atomic love bombing.
No one yelled at me, but they silently punished me several times when I didn’t capitulate. No one hit me, but they made me waste precious time in my life invested in professional and social relationships full of perverse games, whether through toxic in-person dynamics or virtual mind games.
Now, I also have to live with the harsh reality that triggers for reverse hoovering are everywhere. On the shelves of bookstores, on the walls of museum galleries, at conferences and parties, in newspapers, and in social media algorithms that insist on bringing them back. I got myself into a mess with no end in sight.
And in saying this, I have no fear of giving away too much information to the “enemy” because they already know all of this. Cerebral narcs count on this to their advantage! And over the years, I have been naively sincere. They see right through me. Crystal clear. We are talking about bright people here.
To make matters worse, my soul is an open book. Or rather, an open blog. It’s not just the victims who read me or the people who like my productivity systems. The narcs are here.
They repeat the phrases that I wrote on my blog in a discussion, using my words against me to gaslight me. They use dog whistles and insert crypto messages into their writing, speeches, and social media. And we wonder: “Is it a coincidence?” No, it’s not a coincidence; it’s a wicked strategy to keep us in the game!
The clear proof that they are keeping tabs is the passive-aggressive anonymous messages left on the Contact form of this blog. Or even worse… The messages that aren’t anonymous, bring sweet words, evoke good memories and end with a “Call me, Ana, let’s talk!”
Oh, how much I wanna talk… I want to ask so many “Why???” I wanna know why. But we’ll never really know why, correct?
There is no perfect no contact in my world; there is no way to escape completely. The addiction to the highs and lows, to the roller coaster, and the craving for the dopamine provided by these dangerous relationships will always haunt those who work and live in Cerebral Narcland.
For us, all that’s left is to repeat the mantra, like an alcoholic… “Just for today.”
One day at a time. Just for today, I will not give in to temptation and return to their powerful and exciting chess board.
Notes
1 – Video A Big Reason We Don’t Notice Narcissists, Doctor Ramani Channel, published on April 10, 2024.
References: Click here for books, documentaries, videos and other references for this text.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Alberto Nogueira Veiga and all who gave me their precious feedback. I would also like to thank the authors, researchers and content producers on narcissism, psychopathy, and toxic behaviours in work management for opening my eyes to this crucial issue. Special thanks to Doctor Ramani on this one.
Images: Book and Chess (Unsplash), Lady and Chess (Pexels).
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