How to Mentally Disconnect from a Narcissist is my favourite video on Simone Velloso’s channel. And it’s my favourite Brazilian video on the subject, too. Activate the subtitles on YouTube, please. Then, select “automatic translation” and your preferred language in the gear menu. It’s a must-watch!
Since it’s in Portuguese, I’ll write a reaction post for you, with a summary of her central ideas plus my comments on the subject.
Post-Escape Challenges
Simone starts by talking about how difficult the post-escape period is, regardless of the type of toxic relationship the victim escaped from: romantic, social, familial, professional, etc.
This also applies to long-distance relationships, by the way. A large part of the mind games with narcissists happen via the Internet, even when people already know each other in person.
Narcissists have extreme difficulty understanding that there is a real person behind digital communication. This happens because narcissists have no empathy. They don’t connect with anyone, let alone someone they’ve never met face-to-face.
It is very common for victims to realise that toxic people surround them. Therefore, they are probably trying to disconnect from several people at the same time. But today’s digital connection makes the healing process even more complicated.
The temptation to stay in this cycle of abuse is in the victim’s hands – in the very cell phone that they carry with them at all times. It seems that there is something there that draws them, like an addiction.
If a victim has escaped but continues to stalk the narcissist on social media, even if only occasionally, the cycle is still happening. The game is ongoing.
Digital Hoovering
Simone says in the video:
“On the other end, on the other side, there is a person who is probably stalking you and placing triggers on the Internet to pull you in. So, there is someone who is thinking and focusing on you. At some point, minds connect. And, of course, when you feel drawn to look, when you give in to the temptation of seeing a post, of breaking No Contact and going on Instagram, for example, there will be something for you. It will reinforce this feeling that there was really something pulling you in. But there are things inside you and around you that are making you go there. Where, yes, someone is hoovering you in.”
Narcissists use people (flying monkeys) and social media to send you messages directly or indirectly. These are triggers that keep you stuck in this mental game.
So, Simone explains how to break this abusive cycle and these intrusive thoughts, no longer falling into hoovering. Let’s look at the tips in the video…
Eliminate the Triggers That Remind You of the Narcissist
Several narcissism videos talk about how the narcissist wants to create “confusion” around what you love and the things you like to be or do.
The narcissist leaves his mark on everything around you (what HG Tudor calls ever-presence) so that these things and places become a reference to him.
You need to recognise these triggers and eliminate them when possible—for example, donating or throwing away books, perfumes, letters, etc.
I want to add a tip for when these triggers are not objects but rather the things you like or your personality traits.
Narcissists “hijack” your personality, your ideas, and your memories through mirroring. The narcissist, deep down, wants to be you because he has no personality of his own; he is not authentic.
But you can reframe these elements that the narcissist tried to steal from you by associating them with new, more pleasant memories or even memories from before the narcissist.
After all, you are you. Your personality has substance, depth, consistency and coherence over time.
As Simone says, disconnection is also a process of rediscovery.
Delete the Narcissist from Your Life Completely
No Contact means completely deleting the narcissist from your life. It’s not just about never seeing him again, but also removing everything around you that has to do with him and that you can eliminate.
You also need to block the narcissist from all your messaging apps and social media. And, preferably, close your profiles to private so he can’t see what you’re doing.
The narcissist keeps tabs on you because, in his mind, information is power and control.
Disappearing from the map is impossible if you are a public person and blogger like the one writing to you. But then resist the temptation to see him mirror your posts on his social media.
Reinforcing that No Contact is Zero Narc! This includes not talking about the narcissist and not even thinking about him. When the thought comes, you immediately distract yourself with something else. Over time, the thought will stop coming.
If it is not possible to implement No Contact, adopt Gray Rock! (Texts about this will be published soon, search for the term in the meantime).
Connect with the Present Moment: Live in the Now
Narcissistic abuse steals your time and also disconnects you from time.
During the relationship, your mind is in the future, imagining the good things that could happen. These are illusions that the narcissist planted in your head with false expectations (future faking).
When the relationship ends, you remember the past, trying to understand what happened and how you didn’t see the red flags.
To mentally disconnect from a narcissist, you need to focus on the now.
Connect with the present moment with mindfulness techniques.
Dethrone the Narcissist from his False Pedestal
Narcissists really believe they are superior to you, but they are not. Narcissists are unhappy, anxious, miserable people dissatisfied with life. They are the king of mirroring you and others. But the king is naked now.
In addition to removing the narcissist from his pedestal, you need to be loving and generous with yourself. And forgive yourself for getting into this mess. If the good part of the relationship was a lie, the good news is that the bad part was also a lie, as Simone always says.
Narcissists overestimate themselves and underestimate others. Refrain from believing this illusion of competency. Stop having the same beliefs as the narcissists.
The lack of self-criticism and the sense of superiority are compensatory defence mechanisms of the narcissist’s false ego. However, now and then, although very rarely, they manage to see their true reflection in the mirror.
In these brief moments of honesty, the narcissist realises that he is a fraud.
Consume Better Content
Pay close attention to what you are consuming so that you can get out of tune with the narcissist.
Surround yourself with music, movies, books, ideas, places, conversations, people, etc. that bring you happiness and joy. That generates inspiration and elevated thoughts in you.
Simone says: “When you start consuming more uplifting things, it makes the vibration inside you much higher.”
Narcissists have a low, negative, evil vibration. Seek out better, more noble, pleasant, ethical, and valuable people and ideas.
Seek information about mental health and/or help from psychologists, psychiatrists, courses, support communities, etc.
Seek spiritual strengthening. If you have faith, find strength in your faith to forgive, forget, and move on.
Accept that It is the End of this Story
For me, the most critical point in this video is when Simone says that to disconnect from a narcissist mentally, you need to “want to disconnect.”
She adds that it may seem obvious, but it is not. Simone clarifies:
“Wanting to disconnect means understanding that the story ends. It is the end without much elaboration. It is being willing to face the fact that you will no longer wait for something to happen. You will not want to know what happened with the narcissist. You face the end. Wanting to disconnect is not just wanting you to stop feeling bad things. But it is wanting the energies to move away. It is accepting that you had an awful situation, but you are willing to get out of it this way, at this moment, as you find yourself right now, without any further developments. Wanting to disconnect is accepting the idea of letting go.”
Turning the Page and Burying this Chapter
In Brazil, we have an expression that fits this case well: turning the key.
When you say that “a little key has finally turned on someone’s head,” you say that the person has finally woken up.
It may be that the penny drops on some aspect that still needs to be resolved within you. It may be a memory or some conclusion that comes to your mind and shatters the fantasy image you had of that toxic person.
It may be something the narcissist said to hurt you that made you finally accept that for him, you are just a “thing that does things,” a source of supply. Simply a stranger.
One day, if you follow the tips listed here, the “little key will finally turn”, and the spell will be undone. As the name of Simone’s channel says: “Narcissus, your mirror has broken!”
When this happens, don’t waste this moment, don’t lose momentum. Pick up the pieces of that mirror and throw them in the trash. Game over!
Notes
References: Click here for books, documentaries, videos and other references for this text.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Alberto Nogueira Veiga and all who gave me their precious feedback. Special thanks to Simone Velloso. I would also like to thank the authors, researchers and content producers on narcissism, psychopathy, and toxic behaviours in work management for opening my eyes to this crucial issue.
Images: King Piece and Tablet (ChatGPT), Chess Pieces and the Mirror (iStock), Narcissist and the Mirror (Pexels).
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