In this post, we will look at the main signs that may indicate that someone has a narcissistic personality style. In other words, the person is entirely self-centred, with toxic and selfish behaviours.
These signs may even indicate something more serious, such as narcissistic personality disorder.
It is important to highlight that any adult can be a narcissist. It does not matter the gender, nationality, sexual orientation, economic class, level of education, appearance, etc.
In addition, it is worth mentioning that all the signs below don’t need to be present. However, these traits and behaviours must be persistent over time. Therefore, they must characterise the person’s personality, not some exception or bad phase caused by circumstances.
Lack of Empathy or Impaired Empathy
Narcissists are unable, rarely able, or even attempt to truly put themselves in another person’s shoes.
There may be an intellectual understanding of other people’s feelings. It could even be a simulation of empathy but not a real identification with the other person. This is called cognitive empathy, which differs from empathy involving emotions.
Mental health experts also point to a possible “floating” empathy in narcissists. Therefore, empathy could come and go.
In any case, deficient empathy is a crucial point that may indicate a personality with strong narcissistic traits.
Sense of Grandiosity
Narcissists have an inflated view of themselves, exaggerating their achievements and abilities. They always want to be recognised and admired, even when not earned. Imagine when they have real merit!
This grandiosity may be explicit (verbalised) or not. In the last case, the person does not say that they think they are better than everyone else, but they believe this secretly.
It is a big mistake to think that only successful or extroverted people are narcissists. Some narcissists may be shy or have extreme difficulty accomplishing trivial achievements, such as keeping a job. But even so, these narcissists think they are superior to others.
In their minds, if they did not achieve everything they “deserved”, it is the fault of others.
A Constant Search for Status and Distinction
Narcissists want to feel unique and special.
To achieve this, they develop numerous strategies. For example, they try to relate primarily to other people of the same “league”.
They seek to belong to contexts, clubs, families, churches, companies or institutions that reflect their presumed high status. Whenever they can, they boast about knowing someone important.
They want to receive VIP treatment in the places they frequent and have privileges compared to others. Even if this privilege translates into simply “skipping the line”.
They think they deserve the best that others and life have to offer. They believe that others owe them consideration and even submission and obedience.
They feel entitled to these advantages simply because of who they are: themselves, “special beings”.
Vain and pretentious, they act as if they belong to a “higher caste”, ignoring and despising those they consider “inferior” to themselves. This arrogance can be explicit or a hidden thought.
The narcissist is proud even of his failures and suffering. He needs to be a “winner”, even if that means proving to you that he has suffered more in life than you. The distinction, therefore, can also come through personal stories of suffering.
Desire for Admiration and Fantasies of Success
Narcissists constantly seek admiration from others through praise, recognition, attention, services, favours, likes on social media, etc. They want to be placed on a pedestal. The strategies to obtain this attention can be explicit or veiled.
They occupy themselves with fantasies that reflect their superiority, such as influence or dominance over people, imaginary scenes of conquests, unlimited achievements, perfect love, superior intelligence, beauty, etc.
The fantasy will depend on the context and what the narcissist understands as status. If the narcissist’s context values money, he will dream of becoming rich. Becoming rich is the dream of almost all of them, by the way! Money for a narcissist is not a means; it is an end.
If the narcissist’s context values culture, he will want to win academic titles and intellectual or artistic awards. If it values appearance, he wants a toned body and expensive clothes. If it values character and compassion, the narcissist will want to be a philanthropist. And so on.
Envy and Criticism
Narcissists are highly envious people who enjoy provoking envy. They may also believe that others are constantly envious of them.
They compare themselves to others all the time. They also try establishing rankings to “position” themselves in these comparisons. They always seek to be at the top of this podium, real or imaginary, especially compared to the people around them.
Narcissists often use the strategy of criticising others to value themselves. By putting others down through criticism, they feel avenged and superior.
Manipulation and Transactional Relationships
Narcissists expect dedication from others without due reciprocity. They are incredibly transactional in their decisions, always thinking about what benefit they will obtain in that relationship or place.
They use people to inflate their ego, obtain personal gain and achieve their goals. They may compulsively lie or deceive others without any remorse.
In this sense, they are highly manipulative, going over everyone and everything to get the attention they think they deserve.
They are obsessed with the narcissistic supply, which is validation and attention with emotion. Whether the narcissist is loved or hated, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he feels important!
Narcissists are addicted to the search for attention, control and power.
Don’t ignore these warning signs listed here. Have you noticed many of these toxic behaviours in someone you know? You may be in an abusive relationship with a narcissist!
Notes
References: Click here for books, documentaries, videos and other references for this text.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Alberto Nogueira Veiga and all who gave me their precious feedback. I would also like to thank the authors, researchers and content producers on narcissism, psychopathy, and toxic behaviours in work management for opening my eyes to this crucial issue.
